America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.

A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.

A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.

A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.

The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.

Success comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration!

This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.

The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.

The only way to cure an egotist from bragging is by surgery amputation at the neck.

With a braggart its no sooner done than said.

A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesnt fit.

The only place where you can find equality is in the cemetery.

Charm is to a woman what perfume is to a flower.

Age brings wisdom to some men and to others chess.

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasnt done it.

Communism is a form of government under which every citizen at election time enjoys the privilege of voting yes.

Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat the more they have to swallow.

If you cant win make the fellow ahead of you break the record.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems except the things in this world that just dont add up.

Consistency is a jewel but too much jewelry is vulgar.

Family A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space the children with outer space and the mother with closet space.

A cynic sees little to admire in the world while the world sees even less to admire in him.

The diamond is the hardest stone to get.

Divorce is the key that opens the strongbox where the bonds of matrimony are kept under wedlock.

Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.

The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.

You cant judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.

In elections the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.

Walking isnt a lost art one must by some means get to the garage.

Hindsight is good foresight is better but second sight is best of all.

The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isnt trying to reform her husband.

A laugh a day keeps the psychiatrist away.

We do not stop laughing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop laughing.

The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.

The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.

The tongue is the only muscle in the human body that never gets tired.

An obsession is an idea which you must get out of your mind if you are not to go out of your mind.

There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.